Only Now Exists

I can never just have anything for myself. You always have to swoop in and take everything from me… Can I please just have one thing of my own? PLEASE. 

I’m so sick of you and your bullshit that no one else can see but me. 

These past few days, reality has just wacked me in the face… HARD. 

-I knew college was hard, but not this hard. I just feel like such a idiot compared to everyone else here. Everyone is so intelligent and intellectual, and I’m over derping on my own. It’s like no matter how hard I try here, it’s never good enough. 

-I go to school everyday wondering if I’ll have the privilege of coming back here next semester. I wasn’t good enough to make it into McCombs the first time, so this whole year I’ve been working on getting in, but what if its not enough? What if I end up not getting in? I can’t help but doubt myself. If I don’t end up getting in this year, that’s it for me… I’ll be forced to go back to UH, and yeah that’s not such a bad thing, but it kind of is. Why? Because I was selfish enough to decide that I was going to go here without thinking about my family and they’re thoughts about it. I knew my parents wanted me to go to UH, reallly bad, but I selfishly decided that I wanted to go here, so I did. But did I really stop to think about how it would affect my family? No, and that’s the problem. IF I don’t make it: Then I threw away an $18,000 scholarship for nothing. I wasted my parents money by coming here just to get sent right back. Yeah it looks like I’m super bougie and I have soooo much money, but in reality, we have financial struggles just like everyone else. So all that hard work my dad has to put in just to let me go here would have been a waste, like he invested his money in me just to watch me fail. UGH, how embarrassing. But most of all, I don’t want to disappoint my parents. They sent me here to see me succeed, not to watch me fail because I wasn’t good enough or smart enough. I just want them to have something to be proud of. I mean, I’m working hard because I really want to stay here, but I am mainly doing this for them. I don’t want to let them down, I don’t want them to have to struggle for nothing. I want them to see that all the struggles that they had to go through to get me here will pay off. 

-I’m lonely. Oh damn, there I said it. Seeing all these cute couples around makes me wonder when is it going to be my turn? What is wrong with me? I’M CHEESY! I like the forehead kisses, the feeling of being someone’s “girl,” having someone look at me in “that” way that every girl dreams about, the cute little surprises, the lovely dates and being able to dress up and look fly, the gay couple pictures that everyone laughs at but is jealous of at the same time. I want that, but honestly, I don’t think I’m ever going to have that privilege. Some people do die alone ya know? Okay I sound desperate. I’m done. 

I’m always getting left behind. Just once, I want to feel wanted. Is that so hard to ask for?

But some of us actually have to work for what we get, shocker right?  

You will always choose them over me and that’s just something I am going to have to accept.

I’ve come to the conclusion that the summer before college makes you think a lot. I always catch myself wondering:

Who will I keep in contact with?
It’s easy to say you’re going to be friends with someone forever when you both see each other every day, but when it comes time to separate, will you both keep in contact with each other? Will the distance tear you two apart? 

Am I ready to handle the real world?
I’ve been privileged enough as to where I haven’t fully had to face the real world just yet. I have been living in my own little bubble all this time and I don’t know if I’m ready to be fully independent yet. Honestly, I’m still so naive. I still have so much to learn and I guess that’s what college is for. I’ve always had my family there to back me up and support me though, but once I’m in Austin, I am really on my own, without my mom or dad to tell me what is right or wrong, and what I should and shouldn’t do. This will be a test of my own judgement and my morals and values. 

What if I don’t succeed?
I’m nowhere near ready to handle the rigor that college has to offer. High school was such a breeze for me! I haven’t even made it into my major yet, and what if I fail so miserably that they won’t accept me? I’m really hoping that I don’t get caught up in the party life because I do need to focus, a lot is riding on my freshman year. If I don’t make it into McCombs, I have to come back to Houston, and I honestly don’t want to do that. UT was supposed to be my moment to be set free, and if I’m forced to come back to Houston, it will be like high school all over again.

The summer before college is so bittersweet. While I’m ready to start fresh and be independent, I’m also sad because I’ll be leaving so many people I love behind. I know I can always come back and visit, but it really isn’t going to be the same considering its people that I see daily. It’s going to be weird waking up and not seeing my mom making tea, my dad with his feet up on the chair talking really loud, Brandon laying across the family room floor playing on his computer, or Steven walking around half naked asking dumb questions. As obnoxious as that sounds, I’m actually going to miss that a lot. I’M READY! But I’M NOT! 

Why is it so hard for people to understand such a simple concept?

That’s not a good thing. How can we be friends if you put in absolutely no effort? If I didn’t ask you to hang out, text or call and ask how you were doing, or confide in your like friends are supposed to do, we probably wouldn’t even have a friendship. I used to question what I did wrong, but I’ve come to realize you’re the one who continues to shut me out, continues to flake/bail on our plans, and just kind of use me to your disposal when you have no one else? We’re probably not going to be friends in college, and at this point, I’m not sure if I care.

YOU SIT ON A THRONE OF LIES!

I don’t think junior year was nearly as stressful as this one. Guess this is what college is like? I’m preppin’ for the next 4 years, AWESOME!

You wonder why I always feel useless and unworthy?
Because of people like you.

I just need someone to tell me it’s going to be okay.

You’re awesome. I’m so glad you are my cousin!

I’m beginning to regret my decision of going to UT more and more each day. Don’t get me wrong, I have been wanting to go there since like middle school, but I just can’t afford it. I may look like I don’t have money troubles, but looks can be deceiving. Even with the $18,000 that UH offered me, I rejected it because I wanted to go to UT so badly. But with UT offering nothing but a bunch of loans, I’m not sure I made the right choice. Obviously UT is a better school for me, but if my family has to suffer because of my decision, should I really be going there? I just feel so selfish. Even if it is MY future at stake and I should do what’s best for me, I still can’t help but feel guilty for making my parents go through so much stress. Two college tuitions to pay for? That is kind of alot for one working man. I knew that going to UH would be better for my family because it would save them alot of money, but I still chose UT. SELFISH is my new middle name I guess! I should have taken the time to think all of this through. I’m an idiot!

I’m so proud of you for getting into St. Edwards! That’s my girl :) Austin next year with my best friend? Don’t mind if I do. Best news ever!

This year was different… I had fun but it just kind of made me realize all the friends I drifted from. BUMMER! But on the bright side, I got to spend my day with some of my favorite girls then dinner with my favorite people. What more could I ask for? Thank you guys for coming out :) It’s nice to know that we can still get together and just chill like old times.

I’ll personally thank my wonderful friends later. PEACE OUT GIRL SCOUT!

If someone got this for me, I would shower you with lots of love. I would even share my food with you… SAY WHAT!?

Sorry I can’t be like you. I thought God created each and every one of his children differently, making us all unique. We all have a purpose as to why we were born the way we were. Should we really be criticized and looked down upon for that? Yes, people make bad decisions and mistakes, but in some way or another, those mistakes were made for a reason. The things we do, the actions we take, they all shape who we are, for better or worse. So stop judging people for the actions they take, let them do them, and you focus on doing you. And if you feel the need to do something, don’t sit there and judge them… take initiative and help them. Maybe that’s your purpose.

I love Dallas! It is such a bustling city filled with so many great things to do. It was definitely a great way to kick off my spring break.

We drove up there Thursday afternoon so we could meet Josh Hutcherson. There were about at least 2,000 people there. CRAZY! Though we did not get his autograph, just being that close to a movie star… I FELT AWESOME. He’s beautiful, funny, and just phenomenal. The things I would do just to shake his hand… Just seeing him made me convert to Team Peeta, now I’m confused. Team Peeta or Gale? I like them both! After that, we went to this super yummy Italian restaurant, then back to the hotel to get some sleep.

Friday morning, we woke up to free breakfast. Free food? YUMMY! Then we went to UTA to tour the campus for Isabel, which was a pretty nice experience. She loved it, which was great because she definitely got something out of the visit! The tour guides were nice too, such a plus. But the real fun for me started when we went shopping. UGH I cannot explain my love for shopping, especially at a mall with an H&M, XXI, and Urban all in one! AMAZING. This was the first time I’ve shopped for myself since Christmas, which made this shopping experience that much more amazing. I’m definitely happy with the purchases I made today :)

These past two days were just what I needed, to get away from this boring old town and do things I don’t usually do! Though it was just Isabel, her mom, and I, it was just as fun. GIRLS DAY! I love their family, so freakin’ cute. Thanks for taking me along with you guys :) I LOVED IT!!!

For those who have been asking, here you go!

1. MacBook

2. A new necklace

3. UT stuffs: shirts, nike shorts, sweats, anything!

4. Nail Polish

5. Starbucks gift card

6. Cute clothes

7. Pretty pens

8. Something sentimental

9. Nude or light pink blazer

10. Nike shorts

11. Makeup (for when I go out in college)

12. Satchel

13. Nail Polish

14. Lanyard

15. A new ring

16. Big pearl earrings: I can’t find those bad boys anywhere

17. Slippers

I love surprises! But NO MORE FOOD! I’m trying to lose weight.

Check!

I’m at a place in my life where things are far from perfect: my grades stink, I’m stressed to the max, McCombs School of Business rejected me, and I’m getting fat. But you know what? I’m okay with that. Lately, I’ve just been feeling really good, LIKE A BOSS! I smile more, and that smile? It’s definitely genuine. So many things are going wrong, but so many things are going right as well.

Today, the whole family was actually home to share a meal together. It’s been a month since we’ve all came home and ate dinner together. It felt… nice. No matter how much they make me cry, I know they’re the few people that will always be there for me, no matter what. My dad even had some good news to share with the family! I miss moments like this. We used to sit down and eat together at least three times a week, now we are lucky to do it once or twice a month.

I might get to meet some of the Hunger Games cast! If I go, I will meet Peeta, Clove, and Foxface. I’M SO EXCITED! Meeting famous people, Six Flags, and H&M all in one weekend? I’m down. I be doin’ the d-town boogie.

I’ve only cursed like 7 or 8 times since Lent started, I’m making progress. I’m hoping to break the habit all together, I don’t like being so vulgar. I need to have some class!

I’m happy. And it feels freakin’ good!

Funny how you call me out for doing something… yet you’re doing the exact same thing. I smell a hypocrite in my presence!

Stop focusing on trying to better others when they are not the ones committing the crime. You should probably look in the mirror and fix that person first, just sayin’.

You’re just disrespecting yourself as a person. Take a step back and look at all the shit you’ve caused, do see what you’ve done? You’re digging a hole for yourself, and honestly, it’s gotten to the point where I’m not going to help you anymore. You did this to yourself.

Not gonna lie, makeup really makes a difference. It makes me look a little bit better and it makes me feel more confident, but honestly, I don’t want to wear it… EVER. Maybe for special occasions such as weddings, dances, other extravagant events, etc, but besides that, I try avoiding it. Why? I want people to approach me because they want to know me seeing as how I act, not approach me because I’m pretty and they want to start a possible relationship based on my looks. And though I may not have guys coming up to me wanting to holler, I don’t mind. I don’t need boys’ attention to feel good, I’m perfectly fine on my own.  I’ve been doing it for 17 years and I can do it for a lot longer.

But damn, makeup makes everyone look good! Can’t help but want to wear it… sometimes.

I keep eating like I’m about to die tomorrow.

I ate enough to feed two villages today… for DINNER. Only dinner! UGH.

I never cry in front of you, so when I do, it means that I am really upset. Yet, you still walked away from me as if my tears were nothing.

It’s senior year, no more hiding. FUCK IT. I’m honestly probably not going to talk to half you people once I leave for college, so you might as well just know everything about me now.

-I’m really insecure about my looks, yeah I know that sounds gay… but I’m not saying this to fish for fuckin’ compliments. I’m being forreal. Here’s proof of why I’m insecure: My parents call me fat all the time, telling me how the clothes I wear isn’t pretty because it makes me look big, death glaring me everytime I take a bite out of anything, and just constantly telling me how pretty my friends are. My friends, soooo pretty. White friends, asian friends, all of them are stunning. Then there is me. That sounds gay too, but proof?
 With my asian friends: Anywhere I go, whether it be a party, a festival, or just a small gathering, boys or their friends always come up to me asking if (insert one of the girls’ name here) is single. How do you think that makes me feel? I’m all about hooking a sister up but it gets old. I can’t help but wonder of course they don’t want me, look at me, DUH FUCK? Obviously I’m not pretty enough to be hollered at (OMG I’M SO GAY), so I’m just the messenger, always just the fuckin’ messenger. Girls say they don’t like being hollered at, which they probably don’t, but you can’t help but feel a little good when people do ask about you. Deny it all you want but its the truth. It’s like a nice boost to your ego, just reminding you that you are pretty. YEP that’s never happened to me. Aside from the mexicans that give me the up down at the mall or scream from their car while I’m walking around town, I don’t get hollered at. Definitely a boost to my ego…
With my white friends: At my school, boys won’t talk to you unless you’re beautiful and big boobed. You think I’m exaggerating but I’m really not. If you ever get the chance to walk around my school, you will notice that only the pretty girls are surrounded by the boys. Like they really won’t approach you if you aren’t pretty. Hence the reason why I don’t have many guy friends from my school, because they are all tools.  It’s just the way it is, these boys have such big egos that they refuse to talk to anyone that doesn’t look like a barbie. Sometimes, I wish I were prettier, not to talk to these boys, but just to know what it feels like to look like that, you know? But on the other hand, I’m glad I don’t look like a barbie. Why? Because I know that when boys at my school do talk to me, its because they like me for ME, and not because they want some ass. This is a pros and cons situation…
OH and I’ve never had a homecoming date or anything in all of my high school years, not even once. Can’t help but feel pathetic about that, SHIT! Which makes me scared for prom, literally everyone ALWAYS has a date to prom, but I really don’t think I will. I ain’t gonna lie, I want one. I want to know what its like to have an actual date, you know?

-I often get taken advantage of. I’m not getting RAPED, but like people just always push me around. ALWAYS, even the nice ones. SHIT! I come off as a bitch, but I value my friendships, so I feel as if I should just let shit go, let them get away with things, or just let them push me around because I don’t want to stir up trouble if they’re upset or angry with me. Honestly, if I were to get rid of my friends that took advantage of me, I wouldn’t have any, not even the girls. I always get bailed on, people always flake out, alot of them don’t put in any effort into our friendship, some just completely stand me up, a few of my good friends even sometimes ignore me or give me the cold shoulder when they are around “better” people, and some just never care to even keep a friendship going. But for some reason, I just always end up forgiving and letting things slide. That’s just who I am, I don’t need the drama and I don’t like having to worry about tension if we hang out with the same people, so I just shrug it off. I really shouldn’t, but I just do anyway. I can’t help it!

-When I cry, nobody ever knows. I used to call Jennifer or Madalyn, but not anymore. I just don’t like burdening people with my petty family problems because I know they’ve got their own thing to worry about, so why trouble them with mine? I know friends are always there for you, but when I cry, I really do just eat a cookie and watch my favorite show and all is well. So why bother them when I know I will get over it soon? Yeah, sometimes I really do want to call someone up, just to vent and hear some comforting words, but I can never get myself to do it. A cookie will do just fine… but a cheesecake, OH DAMN. I probably wouldn’t even remember why I was so upset.  I don’t really stay depressed or angry for a long time, that’s just me. I’m bipolar, its so weird. Like one second I will be really angry, then I’ll sit and reflect for a good 30 seconds, and realize what a douche I’m being, so I’ll just be nice again. I’M SO WEIRD!

-Nobody makes me cry more than my family. I love them to death, but sometimes, I want to punch them in the face. Nobody ever really understands because everytime my friends come around, my parents seem so nice and chill, but they aren’t. You never really know what’s behind closed doors. They really do just make me feel useless, like I’m just a burden to the family. I try so hard to be a good daughter, but its never enough. I just want them to proud of me, and I can’t even seem to do that. I make good grades in school, hoping they will be happy that I’m doing so well, but they never acknowledge it. I try being a respectful child by never yelling back, but they still show my brothers more love, who talk back to them. I get a simple monotonous hello when I walk into the door EVERY SINGLE TIME, but my brothers get greeted with a smile and an energetic hi. Am I missing something here? Did I do something wrong? It seems like such a minor thing, but it’s more than just a simple hello. That hello translates into how they treat me as a child. I get yelled at for everything, even stuff that my brother does. The speeding ticket Steven got? I’m the one who got yelled at. I got yelled at because I didn’t order the dish that my dad wanted me to order at a restaurant. Apparently I was being selfish? IDK. They always give me death glares, even when I’m just sitting on the couch. There is no feeling I hate more than my parents being dissappointed in me, and I just feel like I’m always doing that. But what more can I do to satisfy them? I just feel like I’m working so hard to satisfy them that I am not really satisfying myself. My life seems great because of the house I live in, the car I drive, the clothes I wear, the materialistic things I own, but that’s not what really matters. Yes, of course I appreciate all that I have, I’m so thankful, but the materialistic things can never substitute the feeling of being loved and appreciated by your parents. I would rather have that over the materialistic things anyday, you can’t just buy me happiness, that’s not the way I work. All I want is to feel special, like I matter to my parents, but I can never seem to do that. I’m just the disrespectful girl who is never home, that’s who I am to them. Well you always ask why I always go out? This is why, because I’m not happy at home. I’m actually scared to come home, because I’m afraid of what you’re going to say to me next. You both treat me like I’m stupid, like I can’t do anything. I actually remember once when you both told me that I’m useless and I can’t really do anything in life, I wouldn’t make a good wife, and I’d be a bad mother. Encouraging words huh?

-I’ve never had a boyfriend, I’ve never had my first kiss, and I’ve only talked to one boy.
Actually, I’m really proud to say that I have never had my first kiss. People find it really weird, and it is, but the only person I would ever really kiss would be my boyfriend, and since I’ve never had one, I’ve never had my first kiss. I just don’t believe in throwing around my kisses.. like making out with a random boy cause I’m white girl wasted? UGH NO. I value my kisses! I’ve never had my first kiss and I’m perfectly okay with that.

WHOA, that felt so good to get that off my chest. Nobody really knew how I felt about any of this until now, well except for Madalyn, but you do now! I doubt anybody will read this, but if you did just read it, good for you, because now you have a better sense of who I really am. I’m not just the loud obnoxious girl, I’m normal, I have feelings!

And I’m unsure of what to do.

kristinaale:

Tired of people taking advantage of me. I’m your friend, of course I’ll be there for you. I can be nice, but only to a certain extent. You see, there’s a line and you have fucking crossed it. Don’t tell me one thing and not live up to it. Tired of constantly nagging at you because it wastes my time and energy, which isn’t even necessary. 

I’ve always write a post about this but I never knew how to say it. This about sums it up! WORDED PERFECTLY. Couldn’t have said it better myself.

tothejenny:

Pretty sure my school has an unsaid rule that states “No good-looking/smart/non-douchey/geniune guys are allowed to attend.” 

I’ve officially decided to tryout for my school talent show.

How can you sit there and call me your good friend when you won’t even let me be there for you? I come and try to comfort you, you say nothing, that you just want to be alone. Then all of the sudden when others who supposedly aren’t close like we are ask you whats wrong, you sit and give them your time. What am I not special anymore or something? You can’t just keep pushing me aside, I’m getting really tired of just sitting and waiting in your shadows.

Now I don’t even bother.

I’m addicted. I can’t stop drinking it! My gift card balance is dwindling, I’m sad :( I NEED MORE!